I remember walking into the bathroom after Aaron’s confession and not knowing if I was going to vomit, throw my hairdryer into the mirror, scream, pack a bag, kick him out, or just lock myself in there, fall on the floor, and ugly cry. I decided to lock myself in my bathroom and ugly cry because everything else felt like it would take too much energy. I was stunned, in shock, and almost felt like I was having an out of body experience. I was collapsed on the tile floor while my children were asleep upstairs, and I felt like my entire house was spinning around me. I think the weight of the emotional pain I felt was so heavy, I could hardly think even though about a hundred different questions were racing through my mind. After I felt myself starting to pull myself together, I remember standing up in the bathroom and seeing myself in the mirror.
I looked totally different.
Instead of seeing all the physical progress I had made post childbirth and that I was only ten pounds heavier after giving birth to my second child then I was on my wedding day, I found myself analyzing my body like the queen bee of a mean girls’ society. After completely disgusting myself with my image, I began to beat myself up for leaving my professorship fulltime and only working part-time so I could stay home with my babies. I began to make myself sick with all the excuses I had made for him not making it to church events, all the time I had tried harder and harder to get his attention when it was obvious that the only woman he wanted to speak with or share with was another woman. By the time the tears stained the sides of my face, and I was grabbing my facewash to clean myself up, I fully convinced that I was partly to blame for Aaron betraying me.
Have you found yourself accepting blame for your husband’s behavior? I hope not, but if you have, I promise you that (1) it is a normal reaction that most women have and (2) his betrayal really isn’t your fault. You did not cause him to betray you. You did not cause him to betray God either. He used his own freewill to purposefully choose behaviors that not only broke your trust but broke the marital vows he made to both you and our Father. He betrayed the Lord too and, trust me, God is right there with you. You may or may not be able to feel His presence at the moment, but I can assure you that God is aware of your situation and is already creating a path for you to not only heal but slay every single fear that has crept into your mind.
We heal in community. That’s how God designed us to live, to worship, and to function. The devil knows this and is likely trying to keep you alone, hiding in shame and embarrassment that is not yours to carry or even own. If you would like to join a group of women who understand the pain that you feel, please reach out to us. We would love for you to pull up a seat and join us as we recover our value together and in community. We’ll celebrate with you, cry with you, slay with you, and stay with you. You don’t have to journey alone. All you need to do is email firstname.lastname@example.org to get your next steps to join us. We’ll save you a seat.
One thought on “It’s Not Your Fault, Sis. Really.”
Thank you for sharing your story!! It will help my family more than I could ever explain